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The Toymas Spectacular – Danov Valravn

TSUzie was anxious.
Toymas was here and yet Danov and Amber had not made any preparations.

Danov was ranting and raging about the disappearance of the Hot Dog Man and Amber was once again lost in the throes of creation, forming some new masterpiece in the warren that was her workshop.

“Humans are just so easily diverted from what’s really important.” She muttered to herself. “But they can always be led back to what’s important with a little help.”

Reaching into her miniature toolkit, TSUzie began the long journey to the old telephone exchange. As the doll wandered down the halls she reached into a pocket to re-read her note from Malcolm, Hamster Earl of Love. The note was on pink paper, scented with lavender. The text was in a somewhat scrawled hand using red ink. Red for romance, TSUzie thought to herself, rolling her eyes. The note read:

Squeak Ee.
Squeak sniff twitch sniff twitch twitch. Eeee ee Squeak Squeaken.

“Flattery will get you everywhere Malcolm.” TSUzie laughed to herself.
As she headed deeper into the bunker the wires covering the wall fell into greater and greater disrepair, the copper showing through split and torn plastic. Walking past a set of footprints half covered in dust, TSUzie found herself following the sound of music to a large arched door, unlike the standard bulkheads.
Once inside she was standing in a forest of old fashioned radio microphones in what appeared to be a mouldering ballroom or concert hall.
At one end of the room stood a stage, where a group of rusty old robots were playing what appeared to be a muzak version of Huey Lewis and the News’ Power of Love. In front was the rustiest one of them all, trying desperately to gyrate its hips with a terrible grinding noise. Periodically it would raise a megaphone to its mouth and bellow, “THE ARMY OF TOY SOLDIERS THANKS YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE. AN OPERATOR WILL BE WITH YOU SHORTLY. YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US!”

TSUzie climbed onto the stage, unnoticed by the band. Quickly she placed a small speaker on the floor, connected to an old mini disc player.
A female voice howled through the room, silencing the band immediately.
“You have reached the Army of Toy Soldiers. I am sorry but our telephone lines are currently down for maintenance. Please try again later.”

The rusted band leader looked down at TSUzie, the creaking monstrosity towering over the small plastic doll. Silence fell.

Realising that the robot would not be instigating the conversation, TSUzie began to speak. “You have been summoned by the denizens of the Bunker. There is to be a marvellous party, and where there is a marvellous party, there must be a house band. You have a gig.”
The band leader stood up straight before turning to the rest of his band. They remained still for a long time, the only sign of activity an occasional flash of their eyes or twitch of a finger…

TSUzie had come here seeking the most experienced musicians the bunker had to offer. Since the Hold Music Robots had been playing the same gig for years now, there was nobody more experienced than they. Sure they were rusted and needed cleaning, their instruments were horrifyingly out of tune from years of neglect and their catalogue of songs eerily dated, but that didn’t make them bad. After all, experience had to count for something….

After several minutes had passed with no further reaction from the musical automatons, TSUzie started to pick up her bag and get ready to leave. She sighed and was forcing open the door to the concert hall when suddenly the band turned towards her, their right hands held to their chests, their heads upturned slightly, as if staring into a beautiful future.

With the Absinthetic Orchestra and the Hold Music Band now on board there would be such music….

The preparations were now in place for the greatest Toymas ever!


It all started the with the ghosts.

The bunker was cold and quiet, the Soldiers all asleep, or lost in whatever creative endeavour or gaming marathon they were up to at this hour. Every screen in every room suddenly flickered to life, illuminated by the image of three glowing blue translucent figures. A deep and powerful voice rang out through the tannoy system, at a volume that shook the dust from the ageing speakers.

“We are the ghosts of Toymas Past, Future and Present. The denizens of the bunker have alerted us to your lack of festivities on this fine day. Your behaviour must be corrected.”

With this a series of sirens went off, the emergency lighting triggered and the bunker was thrown into a chaos of red and orange flashing lights, safety announcements and panicking soldiers.



The hamsters, dropbears and assorted robots could hear the commotion from their new “party central” in the main mess hall. The ghosts had been curiously easy to bring on side once they had explained what they wanted. It was a chance for the denizens of the bunker to show the Toy Soldiers what Toymas spirit and indeed spirits were all about. Timmy scampered back and forth, rallying the troops and making sure every team knew their role perfectly.

The mess hall was a sight to behold. There was a large tree in the corner, fashioned from plumbing pipes, those little pine tree air fresheners and a huge number of real pine cones they had sourced from somewhere. For decoration, CD’s hung from every branch, shattered, molded and clipped into a dazzling array of shapes and patterns. Finally, atop the tree perched TSUzie, resplendent in a black and yellow Georgian Gown, finished off with a pair of LE wired fairy wings, their neon glow every colour of the rainbow.

Around the walls were garlands of shredded tin foil decorated with red and white behaviour alteration beans. It seemed as though the bunker’s entire store of coloured LEDs had been wired to the walls, such was the radiant glow.

Along the far wall at a sturdy table a small army of robots were cooking batches of delicious cookies, stirring vast cauldrons of hot chocolate and serving up delicious seasonal hot dogs with cranberry. One robot had painted his head entirely red, with a jaunty little green cap, akin to an enormous ripe tomato. He stood before an enormous machine into which he fed tomatoes ceaselessly, steam rising from pressurised cooking vessels and safety release valves.

The smell of all of this was tremendous. It was an olfactory cornucopia of competing odours, wafting past each other on the warm currents of air from the food vats.
Finally, standing over them all at the head of the table was the Hot Dog Man, robot 9886, his little paper hat at a jaunty angle on his shining, greasy metal head.

Silent looked on in awe, one of the first to enter.

“Well radish my turnips!”


More Soldiers began filing in, assisted in part by the robots and ghosts herding them down the corridors. With their captive audience firmly in place, the band began to play.

On stage was a horde of robots, seemingly cobbled together from at least three different bands, wielding a variety of instruments of musical destruction. They played their way through an enthusiastic, if cacophonous rendition of “Silent Night”, the sheer irony of which was causing some of the older British Toy Soldiers to fall into mild seizures.

Dr. Malice, upon recognising fellow musicians in need of a steady hand at the baton, stormed to the stage and after a brief, yet heated, dialogue with the maestro, began to conduct the band himself. The robots, programmed to follow competent leadership more or less in kind, suddenly snapped to and what was once chaos found unity of tempo and rhythm, harmony emerging from the discordant mess of mere moments previous.

Weaving its way through the lighting Rig, Major filmed the performance, seeing the potential for a bootleg Toymas album, “Live from the Digital Bunker”. The other job of the little one was to disable the smoke alarms before the inevitable explosions began.

As some of the Toy Soldiers began to tap their feet to the beats and get into the groove, the drop bears struck. Falling from the ceiling, the deadly drop bears began cramming party hats onto the heads of the trapped toy soldiers, dropping crackers and little slips of paper with bizarre, unfunny jokes inside.

I say I say I say. My dog’s got no nose.

How does he smell?

Of lavender!

There was yelling from across the room as a couple of scouts were knocked aside by an enraged Dermut, desperate to catch Timmy, who was taunting him from the rafters.

It wasn’t long before the muffled boom of crackers being pulled began to fill the air, smoke and the stench of burnt uniform mingling with the smells of the food and drink. The party was truly underway. With Robot 345-TER tasked to wheel in the fireworks, flanked by armoured hamsters on either side and everybody equipped with their flame and impact resistant party hats, the grand finale would be sure to be a great success.

Looking down on the assembled Toy Soldiers and robots, the hamsters and drop bears, from their perches toasted each other from the tiny cups and could be heard to squeak.

Merry Toymas to us all! And to all a… Oh turnips! Duck and cover!




With that, the writer slumped over his keyboard, his pale face lit by the screen’s faint glow. Behind him stood eleven other writers, all wielding sturdy wooden paddles. One of the shorter ones, female from the vocal tone said, “It seems he is done. For his sake I hope this is up to standard.”
Dragging the now unconscious writer across the floor, they left him wrapped in a blanket in his bathroom, with a bathtub filled with coffee in the corner and a steel bucket filled with liquorice allsorts lying next to it.

It was to be a very merry Toymas indeed!

#512 – Waterratten invade Germany

Operation: Invade Zee Germans

Participants: #512-Waterratten Taskforce consisting of: Engineer Airhead, Delina and Gonzo

Objective: Take over Lt. Sophie and Silent Addle’s apartment for games, photoshoots and shenanigans.

It was 11am in the morning on the 21st of August 2015. It was a very hot day. Gonzo was waiting at the station of Eindhoven, a city in the south of the Netherlands. Engineer Airhead and Delina were soon to arrive to begin a 7 hour journey towards the east. The journey would take them deep inside Germany to visit Lieutenant Sophie and Silent Addle and take over their home for the weekend.

The journey took the brave Dutch Toy Soldiers through wasp-infested parking lots for the few breaks along the way that were needed to keep them sane. [ Fun fact: Gonzo Dances when wasps are around him. ]
The Autobahn is both a delight and a hell when there is no speed limit. Gonzo and Airhead were having a lot of fun, and many stupid silly jokes were laughed about. It seems that in Germany, all they ever do is build roads on the streets and build bridges next to other bridges. After a good 4 or 5 hours on the Autobahn, the GPS system sent the soldiers through more touristic views of villages in valleys and beautiful architecture of churches and small towns.

After the long drive there was a small problem with getting to the apartment because again, the Germans love roadworks for some reason. After Airhead conferred with the locals, they found a Silent on the side of the road. He guided the invading forces foolishly to his apartment, as soon after the soldiers had unloaded their gear and devoured Lt. Sophie’s delicious pizza a big nerf war broke out. Vortex discs and nerf darts were flying around and at one point it became a chaotic free for all.

After a few hours, a ceasefire was declared and it was time for a good sleep, as traveling and nerf wars make one sleepy.

Saturday was BBQ and games day. The Nintendo 64 was connected and it didn’t take long for Delina to claim the Zelda game. There was still a somewhat tense atmosphere after the ceasefire from the night before. One thing was absolutely clear: “Always have a loaded NERF gun within arms reach when hanging out with Toy Soldiers.”

The BBQ was fired up for lunch, and the meat and veggies were enjoyed by all. After the feeding was done, Gonzo took out the game Exploding Kittens. After playing and many laughs it got chilly outside and the soldiers went on to play Mario Kart on the Nintendo 64. Attempts were made to record some gaming footage for the upcoming Gaming Marathon. After Silent and Delina went to bed; Sophie, Airhead and Gonzo stayed up and chatted a bit while playing games before calling it a late night.

Sunday was photoshoot and wasteland exploration day. Everyone geared up and donned their uniforms. After the many flashes and poses were done, it was time to explore the wasteland. Rumour had it that an alien craft landed there, but the local government was covering the evidence by expanding the railroad over it. During exploration we came across many interesting features. Airhead had to collect some of his lost sleep and took a nap in one of the digger machines.

In the end no sign was found of the alien crash landing, -except a few legs with plants growing out of them- But a great new game was invented by Delina called: “Whack-a-Soldier”. The game is highly recommended for Tactical Playtime!

After another lot of photos were shot, it was time to head back and have lunch. The original plan was to make some more gaming footage, but the soldiers were so exhausted that everyone just relaxed and looked back to a good weekend. They ordered pizza for dinner and enjoyed a relaxed evening together. Peace was finally established between the invading taskforce and the hosts of the weekend.

The next morning after packing, double checking and goodbyes; Airhead, Delina and Gonzo went on their 7 hour journey back. This time though a lot of rain and traffic. They made it home safely.

Operation: Success!


The anomaly was first discovered by one of the Codemonkeys while running through a regular update check on the main Virtual Access Portal [V.A.P.] to the Digital Bunker. According to the Codemonkey report -covered in dirt, monkey excrements and a banana peel- the upgrade terminal was insisting on rolling back to a previous version. The reason why it alarmed the Codemonkey so much, is that they only learn to count version numbers upwards. Rollbacks are a rare occasion only handled by highly trained humans. The monkey got so confused it ran off and hid somewhere.

After the report was filed, it wasn’t long before the Engineers and Scientists were set to work on a possible explanation for this anomaly. It quickly became apparent that the problem was not confined to the V.A.P. alone. A few other terminals throughout the bunker were showing weird behaviour. From clocks that moved backwards to monitors displaying gibberish text and images or randomly coloured pixels.

While the Engineers and Scientists were painstakingly trying to figure out what was going on, physical anomalies started to influence reality. A ball rolling upwards a slope, a Toy Soldier marching forwards while it looked they’re moving backwards (or side-to-side for that matter). In some hallways the electronics started to sputter, while in another hallway a cosy camp-fire was happily burning in the middle of a camp-site in the forest. It was quite a large forest, there was no sight of the bunker unless you knew where you entered, is this teleportation or an alternate reality?

Finally the Scientists traced the anomalies to the Quantum Virtual Reality Enabler Server System, this system connects the virtual world with meatspace inside the Digital Bunker. Not much is known about this system, except that its core is in a constant state of quantum-flux. Only a few Engineers and Scientists are allowed to work with the Q.V.R.E.S.S. thus all the staff without top-secret clearance were dismissed. Within minutes a few specially designed uniforms were put on by the elite staff and they began their descend into the Q.V.R.E.S.S.

It was impossible to know how much time passed during the inspection. The suits only shielded the person wearing it from the space-time flux which existed in the core, but not from the outside world. After a relatively short time the team identified the problem to be an overloading time-tube. No one was sure what the problem was, all the connections and loops seemed fine. Suddenly, one of the Scientists pointed at a tiny hamster caught in one of the time-loop chambers that connected to the malfunctioning tube.

The little hamster was in all stages of its short life at once, the team needed to make a choice to either flush the time-stream in the tube, which would mean sending the hamster to oblivion, or to attempt to catch the hamster in the right time. While the Engineers were all for the flush, the Scientists kept arguing for a rescue. Behind their arguing backs one Scientist sneaked to the hamster, tore of a piece of their flux-protective suit and before the rest of the team realised what was happening the hamster was caught in the protective material.

Quickly they rushed back as a part of the brave or foolish Scientist’s arm started to react with the quantum-flux. Being in all states at once, or at least partially proved a very painful experience.

Minutes crept by in the control room. There was no knowing how long they would be gone. Suddenly the hatch opened and the team reappeared. The injured scientist was rushed to quarantine, while the hamster seemed to recover quite quickly, and scurried off.

Lost and Found

Lost & Found

The lost and found office located on floor 5-B corridor 23 has been abandoned for a long time now. Back then, when there were tens of thousands of Toy Soldiers marching the halls it was a different story… So many people, so much mess. Lost pets, wallets, ID-cards – heck you can even find some people’s lost minds in there…

The robot stationed behind the counter has long run out of power, everything in the reception area is covered with a thin layer of dust. Behind the counter are two tables with some random clothing pieces; goggles in all forms and sizes and some non interesting goods. A small safe stands in the corner with wallets and valuables that people were likely to retrieve quickly, but the real interesting items are stored beyond a large blast resistant door…

The locking mechanism is in a severe state of decay, the old keypad is missing buttons and is very rusty. Beyond the door is a large hall filled with shelves all categorized and labelled with bar codes in alphanumeric order.

The section for computer parts contains a stash of missing nodes and a lot of old floppies, CD’s and USB-disks sized up to 256MB, old laptops and random [very] outdated computer parts.
A bit down the shelves is the radioactive section. It features a stack of tubes filled with an assortment of different nuclear materials: From plutonium to uranium, from astatine to promethium and radium. The glow alone could make any mad scientist happy enough to postpone their plans to use it for destruction [for a few minutes at least…]

Other sections include: Robotic parts, a library worth of books, musical instruments, cosplays and even a gear section completely ordered to size and type.

A shelf hidden away in a dark corner is labelled: “Human Resources.” On the shelf are a dozen of old mayo jars filled with nail-clippings, hairs and a few eyeballs. One of the jars looks empty but it’s label states: “Human Soul.”

With it’s door barred it seems unlikely anyone will ever glimpse all these treasures, and if possible return them to their original owners…

This story first appeared on Gonzo Enterprises

The Mechanical Debacle – Prequel

Mechanical Debacle Prequel


Hamster King George looked up from his scavenging, pointing his ears in the direction the echoes seemed to originate from. George was curious, but generally careful when it came to things his little hamster brain didn’t understand. Even though hamsters in the bunker have quite a high tolerance for all kinds of radioactive materials, hearing loud clunks usually meant something heavy. And thus far the hamsters in the bunker have not developed heavy object proof bodies. This fact was sadly demonstrated during the first (and only) annual robot versus hamster speed run debacle; where hundreds of hamsters lost their lives to robot-foot coordination malfunctions…

George rather kept his small hamster body not flattened to the floor, and so he skidded up along some cable tracts towards the sound. Slowly the little hamster got closer, and could hear bleeping noises in various tones. Robots rarely bleep to themselves, it’s just one of the signs the robot in question has lacked regular orders. Like how that R2-D2 fellow kept bleeping to itself all the time, a tell-tale sign of robot boredom…

The hamster got closer and closer until he spotted the figure of a very badly damaged robot walking down the corridor. Random machine parts seemed to be attached to the robot that didn’t belong there. George was able to trace some of the bulkheads strapped on the bot with tie-wraps and duct-tape to corridors #82, #26 and #2578 respectively. The hamster frowned, no one’s ever been so deep down the corridors, as far as the files go. Many tunnels were blocked or are not accessible to larger (artificial) lifeforms. Some hamsters speak scary and daring tales of visiting corridor #1313 which is allegedly haunted, although George doesn’t really believe in that kind of stuff.


The robot was clearly malfunctioning, lacking maintenance badly… George usually keeps away from the robots, unless it’s during work shifts when the hamsters and robots have to work together sometimes to keep the bunker up and running. But this was just a sad case, this robot needed help, and judging by  it’s current shape wasn’t going to survive for long.

The hamster waited for the robot to pause from its stumbling and made a calculated jump right onto the robot’s head. George inspected the clumsy repairs and concluded that the robot must’ve tried to repair itself after something had happened. It half-looked like an accident and half intentional. The hamster made it’s way to the robot’s audio sensors and squeaked: “This is King George of the Hamsters, you look damaged. I’m here to help in any way.”

The robot stopped making sounds and looked around fast, nearly slinging off George, who managed to grab on to the reaction last minute.

Are you another voice? Or are you real? Is it another glitch, or is this hamsterspeak?

“I’m a friend,” George said. “Please let me help you.”
The hamster climbed down from the head onto the arm of the robot. The robot observed the hamster carefully and stated: “You need upgrades.”
“No I do not!” Exclaimed the hamster, “now listen: You need maintenance!”
“∀GR∃∃D” The robot glitched.

The hamster led the robot through a maze of tunnels eventually ending in an abandoned robotics lab. Most of the equipment was stripped, this would have to do.

King George had to get a few of his hamster friends involved…

This story first appeared on Gonzo Enterprises



Bright room. White, cannot move, cannot see. I hear movement.


Where am I, last thing I remember is walking through the halls, looking for… Was I looking for something?  I saw a human there, did he have something to do with my predicament?


Nothing? There’s not even fragmented data? There is not even a memory block?


I begin to panic, a sensation I have never encountered before, I think… Sensors indicate sporadic behaviour in my Main Processing Unit. Something approaches me, I see a few shadows moving in the brightness.


Shadows, they will have to do for my orientation… They come closer, I am starting to make out some details. Bipedal. Humans? Why? Some of them look quite not human. Fairly big heads, thinner arms and legs.

They start to access my manual controls…

*upload in progress…. please be patient….*

*upload complete.*

I don’t think they realise I am partially awake. I keep still and wait until the shadows leave. After they accessed a few other components I would like to keep private, they left…

*visual receptors adjusting*

I am back in the corridor where my memories failed me. How did I get back here? Where did I go?

I feel violated…

This story first appeared on Gonzo Enterprises



Whilst going through the frequencies on the radio I came across a channel transmitting in Russian. Below is an excerpt of what I picked up and got through the translation device.


The transmission ended abruptly, returned to static noise for 20 seconds or so, until I heard another voice calling:

Please confirm location! The uplanders will need the recipe before it is too late! -повторение- Please confirm location! Scout Division 0960 respond! …

The radio went static again. On my terminal I searched for information about missions in Russia, and I quickly found the 0960 squad that last reported in 5 months ago.  They are on a mission to distribute the U.C.C. [Uranium Chip Cookies] in Russia and Siberia, and apparently something to do with secret bunkers and the Tunguska event from 1908… The rest of the document was encrypted.

The radio sprung to life again:

штаб! We are safe! -повторение- We are safe! Escaped from the attacking forces with minor injuries. Retreating to camp and wait for first light to continue our mission. Команда 0960 из!

Static again, I could barely understand these messages. What attacking forces were they dealing with, could it be a threat to other Toy Scout squads investigating other points of interest?

Команда  0960 иметь в виду, Glowfish activity is being reported in your area. Stay safe. Contact on next frequency at двенадцать тридцать.
Штаб-квартира отключение

I wonder what these Glowfish could be. It seems that any connection on this frequency was cut, I have heard no more transmissions in the hours following.

This story first appeared on Gonzo Enterprises

Utopian Space Station – Episode 1

Utopian Space Station Banner



I suddenly notice I’m walking through an empty hallway, I do not remember what I am doing here. Come to think of it, who am I?

*looks at arms*

They’re made of metal, am I a robot?

*moves arms and listens to servo motors being activated*

Apparently I am, now what? I can’t remember being a robot, what do I do, shouldn’t my programming solve these things and not my thoughts?


If I’m a robot, why am I thinking, why am I walking along this hallway? Why have I not stopped walking yet?

*stops walking*

I see a person walking towards me, this one is definitely human.

“Who are you?”

“Ooooh a robot! Hello robot,” the human replied.
This confirms my earlier suspicions.
“I’m Gonzo, are you on duty in this corridor?” The human inquired.

Was I? No idea.


The human nodded, decided it would be fun to snap a picture of me, and went on with his slumbering down the halls, apparently in deep thought.

I should do the same, walk on and ponder this mystery.

*walks down the hallway in deep thought*

This story first appeared on Gonzo Enterprises

The Mechanical Debacle [Part 3]

I followed the hamster through the corridors and some very tight maintenance shafts which ended in a dimly lit room. The room was full of hamster wheels and other toys, an automated food dispersal system and small hamster tunnels running in every direction. Even though this clearly looked like the hamster’s mess hall (or whatever you’d call this) there were not many of the little critters present. The few that had to pass from one access tunnel to another did so as fast as they could. The few that were in the room were mutilated with all kinds of random machine parts attached to them.

I did not notice that George had run off until my eyes adjusted to the darkness. Then I saw the figure of a robot in the corner of the room, working on something in the near dark. The red eye lights were not bright enough for me to see what it was the robot held in it’s hands, but I feared it would be tiny, fluffy and being tortured…

Suddenly the robot turned it’s head slowly to face me.
The robot spoke:
“bleep squeak bleep bleep squeak squeak.”

“What?” I asked, a bit confused.

The robot turned it’s head back to the work it was performing. I took a step closer, and another few steps. The robot did not seem to mind. As I moved closer the robot suddenly shouted: “ENCRYPTION ERROR! DESTROY SUBJECT 767!”

The robot’s eyes went dim and it stopped doing anything, the hamster it was ‘working’ on dead in it’s hands…

I heard a tiny squeak of victory and looked at the source of the sound; there was George, sitting on the robot’s shoulder having gnawed through some exposed wiring. I knew this would only temporarily disable a robot of this mark, backup power sources could come back online within 30 minutes.

“I can’t possibly drag this thing all the way back before it reboots…” I mumbled.

Within a few seconds I heard scurrying coming out of all the walls, and an army of hamsters came from all corners of the bunker, the lights started to dim and flicker a bit. I guess they left only the essential workforce to deal with the generators and other critical bunker functionalities.

It took a few minutes to fold in the robot a bit so it would fit through the maintenance shafts. The hamsters did the rest and manouvered the robot back to the main corridors, I just had to crawl after them to the exit. “Let’s get it to the robotics lab.” I said and after some squeaks they started moving. I walked along, checking the robot’s registration and credentials on my handheld terminal.

Bad robot!

Registration number: #2716057
Software version: Unknown.
Hardware version: 08, rev. 013

Not much to go by, but from my engineering training I know this registration number does not fit within the range for bunker operation robots. I concluded this must be either a hacked standard issue, or rebuild from old parts. Obviously the hamsters could have tampered with it, after all this may be their own doing…

We arrived at the robotics lab, and I restrained the robot in one of the empty alcoves. I put the robot in debug mode by placing some jumpers on it’s mainboard. Once it booted in debug mode I plugged in the debugging cables, and started downloading it’s operating system and stored data.

I closed the alcove for the download to process, I’ll check again in the morning.

* this story first appeared on

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